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Sustaining hope, it’s hard work. #spoonie

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well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed
that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed

–Sister Golden Hair, America

If you replace depression with chronic pain and illness, that’s how I feel all the time. Each day I wake up, intending to do things. I might have a class I’d like to attend, or I might want to go to the gym and swim, or go grocery shopping, read a book, watch a movie, or just plain get out of bed. But on so many days I have to give up, get undressed, and get back into bed because I’m just too ill to do any of the things I want.

I’m always setting my sights on the next day, and the next, and the next. It’s a difficult way to live your life. It’s hard to get up when you know that you stand a very good chance of not being able to accomplish any of the things you intend to. It’s hard to realize that your intentions don’t matter and that your body may very well betray you. It’s just hard. That isn’t the hardest part for me, though. The hardest part is resetting my desires every single day. When I go to sleep at night I tell myself that tomorrow is another day and another chance to do things. Every morning I wake up believing that, despite how many times I fail.


Written by tldegray

March 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Posted in Chronic Illness, Health

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One Response

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  1. Carissa Thorp

    March 14, 2011 at 8:32 pm

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