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Chronic Illness and Helplessness #spoonie

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For me, there’s a certain amount of unavoidable helplessness that comes along with chronic illness and disability. Or at least there’s a feeling of helplnessness because there are things that are out of my control. Snow removal brings all this up for me. Right now, in New England, we are covered with snow and more and more keeps coming. You can barely see my mailbox above the snow piles at the side of the road. Because of the nerve damage that causes weakness and pain in my arm, back, and legs, snow shoveling–or snow removal of any kind–is something I can’t do. 

Normally, my husband does it for me, or we hire someone, or any combination of things happens to make it so I can get out and around. This week my husband is in India and the snow was pouring down when he left. There’s about a foot of snow in my driveway, on my car, on my front porch, and there isn’t much I can do about it. One of our neighbors happens to run a landscaping service and he plows for us. He’s a great guy, he knows what’s up with me, he’s going to keep an eye out while my husband is gone and make sure I can get out and about.

But here’s the thing. I can’t control this. He subcontracts plowing for a company and is out doing his job for them all day long. This means that today I couldn’t get out of my driveway. I still can’t, now. I’ve let him know that he can come any time at all but that I have to leave for the hospital for tests at 9am tomorrow. Now all I can do is wait. I have to count on someone else for this and it’s bothering me hugely. I want to know for sure that I’ll be able to get out of my driveway tomorrow morning, and I can’t. 

Helplessness. Depending on others. I don’t do that well. 

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Written by tldegray

January 27, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Posted in Chronic Illness, Health

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