She's a character, she has opinions.

I don’t have the luxury of worrying.

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Stress triggers my symptoms. I’m not alone in that, stress is a fairly common trigger for many people with many illnesses. Over the years I’ve learned that if I get upset, that upset will exacerbate my symptoms and I’ll experience a flare. I could end up with a CFIDS/ME flare (meaning exhaustion and pain), a PHN flare (lots and lots of pain), an insomnia flare (lack of sleep that in turn will make everything else worse), or a migraine (oh dear gods the pain). So when I say I don’t have the luxury of worrying I mean that worrying will literally make me sicker.

So, yes, to me, worrying is a luxury I cannot afford. When something bad happens I have to disconnect from it. I have to do everything in my power to keep from getting upset. If I don’t, everything gets worse, and I’m no use to anyone–not even myself–when I’m going through a flare. Because of this, sometimes people think I’m not upset or that I don’t care. Because of this, sometimes people try to hide upsetting things from me.

I wish I could afford the luxury of worrying. I don’t enjoy worry itself, but I do wish I could participate in my life the way I used to, even in the bad parts. Tomorrow morning I’m going to get up and continue working on the papers that are due on Monday. I’m going to do my best to not think about what might be wrong with my husband’s truck and how that might cause problems for us in the future. It won’t be that I don’t care, it’s that I can’t let myself.


Written by tldegray

January 21, 2011 at 4:03 am

Posted in Health

Tagged with ,

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