She's a character, she has opinions.

This is what depression is like for me.

with 4 comments

Inspired by Anna’s Let’s Bust Some Myths: Depressed People Are Always Sad Or They’re Faking!

This is what depression is like for me right now: I get up, I go to school and to the doctor and people tell me I’m motivated and that they are impressed by my positivity and amazed by my grace. I’m outspoken and dedicated to the issues I’m passionate about. I make a post a day for invisible illness awareness week, I fight sexism wherever I see it. People call me a one-woman support group but while I support everyone else I have a hard time supporting myself. I go home and I cry for hours because I can’t be that person all the time. I say that I hate my life and my body and I wish this would all end and sometimes I mean that I’d be cured and other times I mean that I wish I would just die. I’m disappointed all the time because I can’t be the person I want to be or the person people think I am. It gets harder and harder to keep trying and I just want to give up.

This is what depression was like for me a few years ago: I felt invisible. I felt as if I didn’t exist. I believed that since those things were true then I may as well not exist. I dreamed of ways to die. I planned a way to kill myself. I knew where to get the items I’d need and what time I’d need to do it in order to avoid discovery. I skipped meals, I lay in bed not sleeping because I didn’t have the will to get up. I wasn’t interested in anything, not books, not school, not TV. I avoided my close friends and family. To strangers, I faked it. I laughed appropriately in class, I smiled when I was supposed to, I did every single thing I could to appear well even though I wasn’t because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was planning to kill myself. I’d play a game: get through today and you can kill yourself tomorrow. I played that game long enough to keep myself alive and one day I found that I didn’t need to play anymore.

Also read: Step 6. Be Awesome Instead

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Written by tldegray

October 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm

4 Responses

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  1. I really love this idea and how you conveyed it. Very honest and clear.

    dedicationtorecovery

    October 15, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    • Thank you.

      All credit for the idea goes to Anna at the original blog posting (and A at LJ who brought it to my attention). I believed what she did was important enough to keep going. I’ve been surprised by the positive response from my friends. So many of us have been there, I guess it just takes one person to talk about it to get everyone else nodding along.

      tldegray

      October 15, 2010 at 7:18 pm

  2. Unfortunately I completely understand what you are saying. There are days I wish I didn’t. When I’m in a stable place, I find myself amazed at how much energy we have to expend just to keep others from seeing the impact of the illnesses we carry – how much energy it takes to manage it. Freakin’ exhausting…but I appreciate the insight.

    TheBPBedouin

    October 19, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    • I never thought of it in quite that way before, but you’re right, we do expend a great deal of energy keeping others from seeing how we’re affected by our various illnesses. It’s something I’ll be thinking about, especially as someone who has CFIDS and who has to conserve what little energy I have.

      tldegray

      October 19, 2010 at 6:54 pm


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