College & Chronic Illness

Hmm I wonder. How many people in the chronic illness circle on Tumblr currently attend college? And how do you feel about it? And if you’ve dropped out because of an illness, what are you doing now to make a living? (via leoncillo on Tumblr)

I’m one class away from finishing my BA. One class. One horrid quantitative reasoning (statistics) class. The plan was to have finished it this past Spring. I was taking it and everything was going according to plan until I had another MS exacerbation.

The fatigue was terrible. The pain, the difficulty walking, they were all hard. But what made it impossible for me to finish that class was the cognitive difficulties I developed. Since then I had a neuropsych evaluation and realized why this was all so hard for me. While my ability stayed in the 95th to 99th percentile, my recall speed was in the 21st percentile. I can no longer multi-task, something I used to excel at. Not only can I not multi-task, I can’t have any distractions at all when trying to learn something. I have to work extremely hard to commit things to memory and even harder to pull them out of my memory when I need them.

Yeah, it’s a blow. I build a lot of my identity on my intellectual ability and on being able to help people, and now I don’t have that.

The Neuro-Psychologist was great. She gave me so many tips that will hopefully help me take and finish that one last class that stands between me and my degree. She also wrote something for my college, telling them the accommodations I need and why.

So here I am right now, trying to get SSDI after working more than half my life then having that ability taken away from me by MS. I don’t know if I will ever be able to work again but I have to hope.

Deep breath. Fresh start.

The theme for this year’s Invisible Illness Awareness Week is “deep breath, fresh start.” Boy, do I need both of those.

In May of this year, after 3-1/2 years of testing, I received a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). At first I was relieved. Very relieved. Early Summer was a pretty good time for me. I treated my symptoms, I began preventative medication, and a lot of my questions were answered.

But after a while it all began to wear on me. Managing chronic illness is hard and it takes all my resources just to do that. I don’t have a lot left for anything else. This year’s IIAW theme comes at just the right time for me. I hit a crisis point and I took a deep breath. Then I made a plan so I could make a fresh start.

This post barely skims the surface of my life, but right now it’s all I have to give. It’s also part of my fresh start, which is really me getting back to the basics of who I am.

Deep breath.

Fresh start.

This is what depression is like for me.

Inspired by Anna’s Let’s Bust Some Myths: Depressed People Are Always Sad Or They’re Faking!

This is what depression is like for me right now: I get up, I go to school and to the doctor and people tell me I’m motivated and that they are impressed by my positivity and amazed by my grace. I’m outspoken and dedicated to the issues I’m passionate about. I make a post a day for invisible illness awareness week, I fight sexism wherever I see it. People call me a one-woman support group but while I support everyone else I have a hard time supporting myself. I go home and I cry for hours because I can’t be that person all the time. I say that I hate my life and my body and I wish this would all end and sometimes I mean that I’d be cured and other times I mean that I wish I would just die. I’m disappointed all the time because I can’t be the person I want to be or the person people think I am. It gets harder and harder to keep trying and I just want to give up.

This is what depression was like for me a few years ago: I felt invisible. I felt as if I didn’t exist. I believed that since those things were true then I may as well not exist. I dreamed of ways to die. I planned a way to kill myself. I knew where to get the items I’d need and what time I’d need to do it in order to avoid discovery. I skipped meals, I lay in bed not sleeping because I didn’t have the will to get up. I wasn’t interested in anything, not books, not school, not TV. I avoided my close friends and family. To strangers, I faked it. I laughed appropriately in class, I smiled when I was supposed to, I did every single thing I could to appear well even though I wasn’t because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was planning to kill myself. I’d play a game: get through today and you can kill yourself tomorrow. I played that game long enough to keep myself alive and one day I found that I didn’t need to play anymore.

Also read: Step 6. Be Awesome Instead

Step 6. Be Awesome Instead

Stop Feeling Depressed from Think Simple Now offers us “3 Steps to Live Consciously & Stop Feeling Depressed.” Step 1 is stop creating problems. Step 2 is focus in what makes you happy. And, Step 3 is refill your consciousness tank.

I’m going to add two extremely valuable steps to this list. Are you ready?
Step 4. Learn what depression really is.
Step 5. Seek treatment for your depression.

“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”
Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

Depression (and other mental illnesses) can’t be solved by deciding to be awesome instead. According to the Mayo Clinic, depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment. Depression can be caused by biological changes in your brain, neurotransmitters (brain chemicals), or hormones, in addition to being triggered by major life events. That’s right, this mental illness can and does have physical causes. Depression is a serious illness that can affect every area of your life and the lives of your family members. Left untreated it can lead to substance abuse, heart disease, even suicide.

Articles like this one from Think Simple Now offering self-help tips about refilling your consciousness tank are ableist at best and harmful at worst. They assume that depression is “all in your head” and that it’s easy to get rid of it just by changing the way you think. They irresponsibly encourage people to substitute self-help techniques for the range of treatments they may need instead of suggesting using those treatments in concert with each other.

Depression is a serious illness. It may be all in your head but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. If you think you’re depressed, check out the Mayo Clinic’s list of symptoms here. And if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please, talk to someone right away. You can make a free and confidential call to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Mental illness: It’s funny and trendy!

The Oak Bar in New York’s Plaza Hotel has a brand new drink for you to try. Well, it isn’t brand new, it’s a Gibson (a cocktail made with gin and vermouth) but they still want you to try it. Oh, here, I’ll let the Oak Bar’s Executive Chef tell you about the “Mel Gibson, a Bipolar Cocktail” in his own words: “Gibson … Bipolar … All these words flying around in the media just jumped out at me. So I made a Gibson, which is a classic cocktail, into something thoroughly twisted.” He did that by adding Van Gogh Vodka to the cocktail, in honor of the mentally ill artist who may have shared bipolar disorder with Gibson. [Source]

Hilarious.

Wait, no, that isn’t the word I want to use. What’s the word? Oh, yeah: Offensive.

Bipolar disorder is a very serious mental illness. The Mayo Clinic calls it a “disruptive, long-term condition” and notes that at its worst “manic episodes can be severe and dangerous.” It’s a disease, like any other, and can cause serious harm to the person who has it, up to and including suicide. It is not, however, something amusing or cool to base a cocktail on.

Then there’s those pesky allegations against Gibson of domestic violence and racism. Let’s just forget about those while we kick back with our cocktail. We’ll laugh, have a good time, mock the mentally ill and forget about violence and racism all at the same time. It’ll be hilarious.