Wake up and smell the Madonna-Whore dichotomy

Entertainment Weekly’s Tanner Stransky on Rihanna’s revealing cover photo on January’s GQ: “I guess the two things—her speaking out against domestic abuse and taking off her clothes—are  not mutually exclusive. But it’s a sort of odd dichotomy, if you ask me.” [Source]

Really. Wake up and smell the Madonna-Whore dichotomy, Tanner.

Excuse my pedantry, but I can’t get past Tanner’s apparent attempt at dodging what’s being said in that quote. A dichotomy is a division into two mutually exclusive or contradictory entities, so saying the two things aren’t mutually exclusive and then saying they are is just a bit, well, to quote Tanner, odd. Feels to me like Tanner’s paying lip-service to the idea of women’s rights while making sure we know what he really thinks.

10th Anniversary of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

“Violence against women is found in every culture around the world. It is one of our most pervasive global problems, yet it is preventable. When gang rape is a weapon of war, when women are beaten behind closed doors, or when young girls are trafficked in brothels and fields – we all suffer. This violence robs women and girls of their full potential, causes untold human suffering, and has great social and economic costs. On this 10th anniversary of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, I urge all Americans to join with the international community in calling for an end to these abuses.”
–Vice President Joe Biden, November 25, 2009

The White Ribbon Campaign: I pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women and girls. Take the pledge.

An open letter to Chris Brown.

“I intend to live my life so that I am truly worthy of the word ‘rolemodel’.” –Chris Brown, video apology

“My thoughts basically now is just, ‘Ok, How do we get past it? ‘How do you, Chris, go from point A to point B? How do you learn from your mistake, turn it into a positive and help other people with this situation and at the end of the day become the person that you want to be?’” –Chris Brown, MTV interview

“The steps that I’ve taken to show that I’m sorry probably have been perceived wrong. … At the end of the day, I’m definitely remorseful and it’s not something that I take lightly or think that it’s like under the rug.” –Chris Brown, Wendy Williams Show

Chris–can I call you Chris?–allow me to explain because I think I know why people don’t think you’re remorseful.

DV is NOT a pre-existing condition

“U.S. insurance companies in eight states are not barred from using domestic violence as a pre-existing condition to deny coverage. … A study from the National Women’s Law Center says that in Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota and Wyoming — as well as the District of Columbia — local laws do not bar insurers from citing domestic violence as a reason to deny policies to applicants.” [Source]

“In 1995, the Boston Globe found that Nationwide, Allstate, State Farm, Aetna, Metropolitan Life, The Equitable Companies, First Colony Life, The Prudential and the Principal Financial Group had all either canceled or denied coverage to women who’d been beaten.” [Source]

Let’s talk about why this is wrong, shall we?

Possibility of asylum for victims of abuse.

Last week, the Obama administration opened the way for foreign women who are victims of severe domestic violence to receive asylum in the United States. “In addition to meeting other strict conditions for asylum, abused women will need to show that they are treated by their abuser as subordinates and little better than property, according to an immigration court filing by the administration, and that domestic abuse is widely tolerated in their country. They must show that they could not find protection from institutions at home or by moving to another place within their own country.” [Source]

Do you have any idea how hard it’s going to be for a woman to prove any of that? In a culture where domestic violence is widely tolerated it is just that, tolerated. Assumed to exist. Considered to be the norm. Who will speak up for this woman and help her prove she is little better than property? Who will testify that she is subordinate to her husband when in her country that is just how things are? Who will even think they should or could?

Read One small step at It’s Ridiculous Y’all.

It can’t buy you love, but it can help buy you freedom.

According to a new national poll released by The Allstate Foundation, nearly 70% of Americans do not see a connection between domestic violence and economic abuse, and nearly 8 out of 10 Americans link economic abuse to Wall Street woes or irresponsible spending.

That 70% and those 8 out of ten people? Wrong. Sadly, scarily wrong.

The Allstate Foundation provides the following examples of economic abuse:

• Taking money, credit card or property from a partner without their permission
• Racking up debt without a partner’s knowledge
• Purposely ruining a partner’s credit score
• Forbidding a partner from earning money or attending school
• Forcing a partner to hand over paychecks
• Canceling insurance or credit cards without the partner’s knowledge
• Harassing a partner at work to negatively impact a job

[Source]

Whatever term you use–domestic violence, intimate partner violence, gender-based violence, violence against women–it’s about power and control. Taking away a person’s economic options is just another way of controlling her. How free would you be if you weren’t allowed to have a job or keep your paycheck? How would you leave a life-threatening relationship if you had no money to put gas in your car or pay for food and a place to stay? How would you exist if you were completely dependent upon someone else for money?

How many women do you know who have been victims of violence?

There is a wonderful conversation going on on LiveJournal about rape. I say wonderful, but it is, of course, difficult and painful, and, yes, at times empowering and amazing. Cereta, the original poster, asks thoughtful questions about the men who try to stop and/or help women avoid sexual violence. She calls them “That Guy” and wants to know where they are and wants to hear stories of them. (She’s also a fantastic moderator so the conversation is controlled and civil. Anonymous posting is allowed because of the nature of the subject. It very much feels like a safe space.)

The conversation brought up something that I knew wasn’t widely realized but I didn’t realize just how hidden it is.

How many women do you know who have been a victim of violence?

Sit with that question for a moment and really think. You don’t need to tell me the answer, you don’t need to tell me their stories. I just want you to consider it and keep that answer with you as we speak, most especially if you are a man.